Before I had kids I was pretty attractive. I never claimed to be model material; my brains were, and still are my defining quality. But by Western standards I was attractive. I was a size 8, flat tummy, long blonde hair. I was certainly conscious of my weight - because women that were hot weren't fat. Well to be fair, I will backtrack and say I never thought that a woman with weight was unattractive, but I knew that *society* deemed her unattractive. I didn't want to be that girl.
The fact was, that I really didn't need to do much to stay thin. If I put on a few kilos I would just cut out junk for a few weeks and viola, 3 kg had magically gone. I didn't even need to exercise!
Then I had children.
With each child the weight crept up just a bit, after the birth I would lost most of it but not all. So the next child I was heavier to begin with. After my 3rd child I was the heaviest I had ever been, and quite depressed. I had a very difficult pregnancy where I couldn't exercise and despite genuinely trying to not put the weight on, I did. Thankfully I have a wonderful GP who put me on meds for my depression and anxiety and for my weight, and I've dropped 14 kg.
As an intelligent woman, I know how I've allowed society to define my self worth and as a feminist I'm disappointed in myself for buying into it. But what bothers me in this discussion is the double standards we have for men and women, particularly after children.
My husband and I were chatting read: debating one day over society's expectations of males and females in relation to physicality. To his utmost credit, he was chiding me for criticising my size telling me how beautiful I was. And I was trying to convey how much pressure is placed on women to continue to look youthful, attractive and most importantly - thin, particularly after children. He stated that men were the same, that in the last 30 years there had been much more emphasis placed on men's looks. The hair dye for greying men. The baldness gadgets and creams, the 6 packed bodies in magazines. I acknowledged there was pressure.... but no where near to the extent we experience.
With the advent of social media, an oldie like me who has lived before it's inception has seen many changes to our landscape. One is the ability to see inside people's lives more readily. Granted, it can be a false, contrived view but nevertheless an eyeopener. One thing I have noticed, among many is the way people view changes in men and women in pictures. I can't count the amount of times I have seen men who have gained several kilos, a tummy and some grey hair since having a family. People commenting on FaceBook and Instagram make comments like "she's feeding you well!". and "You look so happy". People seem to associate these changes in men with happiness, being comfortable and well looked after in their relationship.
But when a woman gains weight, has regrowth and isn't always wearing a face full of make up? There are snide comments, accusations that she has 'let herself go'. People are asking when she is going to join the gym and her husband is complaining she hasn't lost the baby weight.
Then we have the likes of Karla Itsines, Michelle Bridges and Ashy Bines and their fitness juggernauts. They teach a no excuses approach and they charge you to tell you that. They make a business out of telling women that eating right and exercising is not only non-negotiable but anything less means you are lazy, excuse-ridden and kind of pathetic.
So why the disparity? We are the ones that actually carry the child. It is our metabolism that changes (the main reason I have fought with weight loss, not laziness), it is us that can't run on the treadmill anymore or have to wait 6+weeks to exercise due to surgery. Statistically it is us that gets up all night to the baby then marches on the rest of the day working, or cooking and cleaning at home with our eyes held open with match sticks. No wonder we don't have time to get to the salon to have our out of control regrowth tended to, or to jump on the cross trainer after 2 hours broken sleep with a teething baby.
I really have to flex my feminist muscles here and bring out good old patriarchy as the cause. Despite a family having far less impact on men physically, they still get a Get Out of Jail Pass..... because.... they're men, durr! Women's purpose is to look pretty, turn their partner on and generally make them look good.
Men have a nice catalogue of excuses to draw on for their weight gain. He's well looked after (because a good woman feeds her man, people!). He's comfortable in his marriage and life. It's Middle Age Spread. He works hard at work and doesn't have time for a healthy lunch (oh the irony).
I don't know the answer except to say we need to continue to openly challenge the double standard. When our husband's best friend comments our butt is still big we need to rebuke him and point out his inappropriateness. When our daughters see a ragged mum dragging along 3 small children with her hair in a jumble and probably 10 kgs too heavy. She hasn't 'let herself go'. "She's a normal human being in survival mode, kids." If we saw a Dad dragging along a tribe of kids looking a tad frumpy and worn out people would say "wow, look at that Dad! how dedicated is he!?
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